Taxi! 5 Sure Signs That It’s Time To Call It A Night

5 signs that it's time to go home

Tina Fey for Esquire


Ahh the holiday season – so many wonderful parties to attend, so much champagne to drink…. and so many opportunities to make fools of ourselves.

We’ve all been there (and by ‘we‘ I mean ‘me‘). One minute you’re at a party feeling on top of the world and chatting up that cute guy you’ve been eying up all year. The next minute you’re throwing up on said gentleman’s lap and walking home bare feet with your heels in hand. And for the next few days, all that can flash through your head are scenes of you dancing on top of tables or snippets of embarrassing things you’ve said…

Now I’m not saying that you should stop going out and have a good time. But there are a few rules and guidelines to keeping it classy at a party and in my opinion they all revolve around one thing: knowing when to leave.

So if you’re unsure about when to exit your next party, here are 5 sure signs that it’s time to call it a night:

1. You’re doing the ‘Stumble & Mumble’

There is nothing sadder than watching a beautiful girl dressed up to the nines and in high heels falling over after every step she takes. The only thing that can make this image worse is hearing that same girl mumbling unintelligent sh*t all night and asking everyone to get her a kebab.

Girl, if you can’t talk or walk properly it is so time to go home.

2. You feel like having a deep and meaningful

Another sure sign that you’ve had a few too many is when you feel like you’re experiencing some sort of mental and philosophical breakthrough and have a sudden urge to tell everyone about it.  We know you’d like nothing more than to chew somebody’s ear off all night talking about all the hard lessons you’ve learned in your 20 years of life but really, you should probably keep these deep thoughts for a private convo with your BFF (or your shrink).

3. You’re suddenly finding everyone really attractive

Don’t get me wrong here, I’ll take a happy, loving drunk over an angry one anytime. But there’s a fine line between feeling the love and over-sharing it. Hugging everyone and telling them how much you lovvvvve them whilst pouring wine down their back is not cute or endearing.

Also if the guy who you thought looked like this


boogie night


at the beginning of the night is suddenly starting to look like this





then I’d say it’s definitely time to leave the party.

4. You can’t help but tell everyone just how drunk you are

Honey, I know how drunk you are because you’ve already told me 5 times in the last 10 minutes. I get it. Here’s what I don’t get though. If I know you’re drunk and you know you’re drunk then what the hell are you still doing here? (Go home.)

5. You want to text or call your ex

Don’t drink and dial. This is probably the most important rule of all. No matter how much you’re missing your ex or how much you’d like to call on your cute colleague for a booty call do NOT touch that phone! Calling a guy drunk is never a good idea and trust me whatever you say or text right now you’ll definitely regret in the morning.

Come to think of it – all texting and calling should probably be banned when drunk. After all, this is when predictive text can go real bad…

Other signs to watch out for: when you can’t taste the alcohol in your shots anymore, when you start twerking, when you’re picking food off the floor and putting it in your mouth, when you’re drinking straight out of the bottle, when you’re peeing in the garden (because you forgot where the bathroom was), when you have ‘mini naps’ on the couch in between dances (aka pass out), when you’ve just had a spew but somehow feel that ‘you can power on through’, when you think that ‘singstar’ would be a great idea right now….


Now if you fail to detect the warning signs and still wind up one morning with a horrible hangover and a truckload of remorse – just remember this: it is not the end of the world. Everyone makes mistakes every once in a while and telling yourself ‘what an idiot you are’ is not going to help anyone. Just like everything in life the key is to learn from your mistakes and get on with your life!

Also don’t forget that nobody ever really cares about the stupid things that you’ve said or done as much as you do. After a big party everybody is caught up in their own world of shame, let alone bothered about yours!

Just make sure to take it easy next time ok?




  • Oh my goodness Pearl, this post was a little too close to home, lol! I’ve definitely curbed my drinking behaviour in the last few years (what’s ok in your early 20’s is not so acceptable later on!) However I do have to admit that last weekend I had a few drinks and got little fired up when a bouncer picked up a male friend of mine by the collar, unprovoked (over-inflated sense of authority, that doesn’t sound like a bouncer does it?). Anyway, I’m putting ‘arguing with bouncers’ on my ‘time to call it a night’ list. Great post :)

    • Haha well I should probably be ashamed to admit that a lot of these rules were drawn from personal experience -) I can totally relate to the ‘arguing with bouncers’ rule too. I had an argument with a bouncer a couple of weekends ago and the whole thing was just ridiculous. The funniest thing is that I was completely sober at the time and he was the one being rude and acting drunk!

  • Ashamed to say it, but number four is me! I know I’m doing it, I know I should shut up, yet I just can’t help myself!

  • I think I have done all five at some point during my drinking years unfortunately – good to have a recap of what not to do before I head to first Christmas party of the season! Thanks PM

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